Hello my darlings,
How have you been? How was your week? My week has blessed and victorious. I choose not to use ‘fine’ because in my little human mind, my week has been anything but fine. There have been too many chaos in my life recently and they don’t seem to stop swirling around me. Everything around me is suddenly falling apart but I am trusting God to restore me.
See, at this moment am dealing with loss and uncertainty. All these struggles know how to come to me, sometimes singly and other times all at once. I would be going about my business when I see or remember something that reminds me of my loss and sometimes I burst into tears other times I can’t even bring myself to cry.At this moment as I cry or struggle with this emotion; all I can feel is a cloud of ‘depression’ threatening to cover me and I feel willing to let it prevail.I feel obligated to be ‘depressed’ and sad at this moment; I want to stay in bed and cry and when I do wake up, I want to leave my bed unmade. I want to not take a shower and then I want to eat every cake ever made on earth because I am at a loss and I need to let it sink into my bones and I will learn to live with this painful fact. Yes I really want to give in to depression. That’s the first thought that comes to my mind when I start to cry or go through that weird emotion that never gets me to cry.
Then I think back and I remember how painful my ‘depression’ is, how death suddenly looks so appealing to me when I am depressed. How I like to sit on the couch and let my mind run wild into the darkness? I think about so much yet nothing at all. How I obsess about everything and flip it in every side; analyzing every factor then I wind up with no results. How I love to sit on the sit at the corner of the living room and press myself against the wall probably hoping to sink into the wall. How I go silent for minutes, hours, days with no desire to speak. How. good yet frustrating it feels to shut people out. It feels good because of the control I gain in this. I know that’s weird. I don’t even know if this behavior is depression; I just know that each time I am really sad this is what I go through so I diagnosed it as ‘depression’. After thinking about my ‘depression’ I decide; I don’t want that for myself and I pray to God that He may give me strength. I pray against my ‘depression’ and soon the cloud seems to swim away.
I then catch the thought of wanting to turn back.May be I should go back and try and fix everything. May be I should try and recover what I lost. I tell myself that I am strong and smart enough; how hard can it be? And for a moment I believe that I can actually be a Fixer. But the truth comes crushing in and I remember that only God can effect permanent change. I cannot try and take upon a role that is not mine, only God is that powerful I realize that He is onmipotent; nothing is impossible with Him, He is omnipresent; He is here with me in my struggles and He is doing something wonderful and finally He is Omniscient; He knows what is best for me and I will trust in Him.
My darling, I am a control freak and I love to have it all at my finger tips. I love it when things go my way. I enjoy to tell my opinion and make sure it is validated. I bet you wouldn’t want to be around, when things don’t go my way; I get angry and ignore everyone (well of course that only hurts me) But lately I am learning to go by His way and be more accommodating with people. I am praying that His will prevail in my life and I may live for Him.
I am praying that He may change me to be a better person, less controlling, less judgemental, I want more of Him and less of me. So in my struggles I choose to wait upon Him and this is the verse that has been keeping me going.
Don’t you know? Haven’t you heard? The Lord is the everlasting God; He created all the world. He never grows tired or weary. No one understands His thoughts. He strengthens those who are weak and tired. Even those who are young grow weak, young people can fall exhausted. But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.
This verse encourages me to keep going in my pain and distress. He is going to renew my strength. I am oiling and decorating my wings and grabbing as many dreams and hopes as I can because I will be soaring like an eagle. I will run and not get weary. I will walk and not grow weak. My darlings, the excites me so much and I just can’t wait. You should really stick around to hear my testimony.
Are you going through any kind of pain? Do you have any kind of struggle? My darling, don’t worry God is by your side and if you trust in Him, He will renew your strength and bless you abundantly.
So I also wrote a poem and I would love what you think about it.