Hello my darling becomers,
How have you been? How was your week? My week has been fine yes, I said fine!! I am really happy that I am using fine to describe how my week was.The chaos are still daring to hover around me and the pain and fear still dares to fill my heart but I will overcome.
In my previous post I was really depressed and fighting to keep myself from sinking. This week cane with even more uncertainty and challenges. I thought things were actually done going bad and then boom! the ruins of my already broken house fell apart. For a moment I felt like this is too much for me to handle and I could feel myself sinking. My mind was spinning and my heart was beating too fast. I couldn’t bring myself to cry when the tears finally came I was in a place I couldn’t cry. My first instinct was to want to snack away my pain and anxiety then I remember an article by Melissa about emotional eating and I decided against it. I tried to keep myself busy but I kept messing up everything I did; it was then I dropped everything and walked to my room and knelt down to pray. I did not know how to pray at that moment so I just knelt and burst into tears. I let myself cry in His presence and I told Him my fears, my pain, my anger and my desires. Once I was done my mind stopped spinning and my heart racing and I just knew that when the time is right everything I desire will come, what I lost will be restored and God will accelerate me to my destiny.
Often when we are faced with a problem, there’s always that person or thing you run to; the shoulder to cry on in the time of need. Most of us have one person who you call your best friend, your confidant, your better half; the one who know everything about you [you know the things you selectively told and showed them]; the one who is always there for you [except the few times that they have failed you; you know, the problem solver in our lives [except the times they didn’t know what to do]. My darlings, I don’t mean to sarcastic or anything; my point is you can always have that person but at one point of moment you won’t have them sometimes it’s just one moment and other times it’s for life.
What happens at that one point? What happens when you are all alone? What happens when you are in the middle of nowhere alone? Don’t hate me for saying this but may be you give me confidant/ best friend/ better half too much responsibility as far as your burdens are concerned. I am not saying that you don’t tell them about your struggles; by all means do tell them. I am just saying that you tell God first; give Him priority even when you don’t feel like praying, push yourself to pray or just write to God in your prayer journal or just cry to Him.
Telling God first will not only give you His perfect hope and peace but also it will help you not to expect too much from your confidant/ best friend/ better half especially if it’s an emotional struggle. Some people are just not good at ’emotional stuff’; I know this by experience.In my depression there are people are confined in and they have said all the wrong things and I wound up feeling worse than before. When I started depending on God first in my depression; I stopped expecting so much from people during these phases. I stopped expecting people to fix me when I was broken, to encourage me when I am really discouraged and make me smile when I am sad. In short I stopped holding people accountable for my happiness and fixed my eyes on God.
Don’t get me wrong; people can really be good therapists, they can encourage you and they can make you laugh and smile. You just need to stop looking at these abilities as their responsibility to keep you going. You need to take charge of our own happiness through Jesus and this way you will never ever be disappointed.
This hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out His love into our heart by means of the Holy Spirit, who is God’s gift to us.
Don’t worry about anything but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always ask Him with a thankful heart and God’s peace which is far beyond human understanding will keep your hearts and mind safe in union with Christ Jesus.
These two verses gave me strength in my outburst and I was reminded of God’s Might and love for me that all I had to do was pray while believing and I would more than just fine!! ] screams, ululates,dances a little]
My darling becomer, do you have that one shoulder or two that you always burden with even things they can’t solve then get mad when they don’t seem to be of any assistance? Do you have that shoulder that just seems to get all wrong with your emotions? May be you are going to the wrong shoulder you need to lean on God and He will fix you better than anyone will.
Please tell me how you like my poem.